Driving Me Crazy
“A bend in the road, is not the end of the road…
unless you fail to make the turn.”
I consider myself a semi-professional driver, with more training and experience than most.
It has taken every bit of that skill and experience to safely navigate the UK road network where:
The dividing line between opposing traffic is the same color as every other line—white. Sometimes it’s a minute-by-minute guessing game as to which is your side and which is a head-on collision waiting to happen.
Cars are frequently parked right in the middle of a lane, forcing you to stop and wait for oncoming traffic to clear, or—the sometimes terrifying option—both directions squeeze into the remaining space and hope for the best—often without slowing whatsoever.
Even when there are no cars parked on your half of the road, you still must cheat away from the center because oncoming traffic may encounter parked cars on their side of the road and will simply cross into the opposing lane in order to pass the parked cars.
Don’t expect warning signs! More than once we have been driving along on a nice highway taking the odd curve as they come along, only to take another curve and suddenly you’re in death’s grip—tires squealing as you white-knuckle it through the turn, praying the tires hold.
You’re almost always on two-lane two-way roads and it won’t be long before you’ll be behind someone driving 15-20 mph under the limit…and they will never pull over and let traffic pass. If they’re not in a hurry, then apparently neither is anyone else. Maddening!
And don’t even get me started on our single-track road experiences! 😊 You want to feel completely knackered after a drive, spend some time on single track roads!
Sometimes they assign priority on a particularly narrow stretch or roadway, which shows good common sense. Other times, they intentionally narrow the road and force both directions of traffic to funnel through a single lane as a form of “traffic calming.” One of the most asinine things I’ve ever seen!
I grew up on maps and consider myself pretty good with navigating by paper map, but I truly cannot imagine trying to navigate in the UK without GPS. Road maps? On the open road—sure. But through a city—no chance!
The one thing that comes standard on all Uk roads—there is no standard!
But enough of my moaning—Britain is more than just crazy small roads. (Port Issac, Cornwall, England)
Here are some of the funniest things we’ve seen while navigating the wild and chaotic and often challenging roads networks of the UK and Ireland.
We’ll start with things simply don’t translate well…
OK, now this I can't wait to see!! 😊
And now, for the grant finale!
Translation: large trucks from a local factory or work site crossing the road. (Portknockie, Scotland)
Thankfully, this is not a new veterinary procedure.
Translation: they are completing roadwork and the reflectors in the center of the roadway have been removed.
(So many people have reacted badly to this sign that it is now largely out of use. This image is from the internet; however, we did see the sign in use somewhere in the Midlands of England. The more common sign now is “Road Markings Removed.”
Not just slow but Dead Slow! (Dublin, Ireland) This is not some one-off; we saw this sign multiple times.
We drove some insanely steep inclines in the UK. (Tarn Road climbing out of Malham in the Yorkshire Dales, England)
Followed, of course, by some brake-fading descents. 😰 (Buttertubs Pass in the Yorkshire Dales, England)
Poets and they know it. (Lerwick, Shetland, Scotland)
Sadly, this was the closest we ever came to seeing a live hedgehog (sadly we did see a couple that did not successfully cross the road).
🦔 🦔 🦔
Apparently half camels, half zebras cross the road here. 🐪 🦓
Translation: crosswalk (zebra) that is also a speed bump.
(Just outside the Grassington National Park Visitor Center, Yorkshire Dales, England)
Lerwick got cheeky and added a snail to their sign. (Lerwick, Shetland, Scotland)
(Isle of Mull, Scotland)
At least they listed children first. (On the drive to Loch Arkaig, near Fort William, Scotland)
🦆
(On A830 near Loch Eli and Glenfinnan, Scotland)
Avoid running over the toads, the squishy sound they make under your tyres is disgusting!
Speaking of frog guts, the Brits don’t say that a surface is slippery; they say it is “slippy,” which sounds ridiculous to the American ear.
(Not sure of the location. This was from our 2009 trip, so probably in the Peak District, England.)
Peter Rabbit Crossing. (Outside Hill Top house, Beatrix Potter's farmhouse retreat, near Sawrey, Hawkshead, Ambleside, England)
The red squirrel is now endangered… (Kinbuck, Scotland, near Craighead Howfs)
So don’t be a twat by running over one of the few remaining ones! (Near The Glenlivet Distillery, Scotland)
The Brits are a very literal bunch. Inspires confidence, doesn’t it? (Near Stratford Upon Avon, England)
I’m not sure why, but the design of this sign always makes me laugh. I find it a bit ridiculous.
(Ambleside, Lake District, England)
(Not sure of the location. This was from our 2009 trip, so probably in the Peak District, England.)
How’s this for a fancy, late-Victorian, cast iron mile post marker? (Isle of Mull, Scotland)
You don’t want to be faffing about when you’re looking for your closest incinerator. I find this utterly baffling. Do a lot of Brits drive around, running errands, to include dropping off a loved one at the crematorium? Have the English watched National Lampoon’s Vacation with Aunt Edna strapped to the roof one too many times? It’s utterly commonplace though, we’ve seen tons of signs throughout our travels. No matter how many times we see that sign, all I can think is—weird!
The British term fly-tipping refers to the unauthorized dumping of trash from a vehicle.
Fly is a shortening of the phrase “on the fly,” meaning while in motion (i.e: from a car), and tipping as in "to dump.”
(Near the Salutation Inn, near Castle Combe, outside Bath, England)
Lastly, parking spaces in the UK make Trader Joes parking lots seem enormous. When everything is tiny, what do you do when you’re not?
You make a sign! 😂
