Appendix 2—Knockers, Numbers, & Nonsense
“I hope for nothing in this world so ardently as once again to see that paradise called England.”
Door Knockers
Throughout our travels we realized the Brits really loved their door knockers. Here are some of our fanciful, funny, and fantastic finds:
The door from 10 Downing Street when Winston Churchill was Prime Minister—complete with lion door knocker, of course. Do you think anyone ever knocked on this door?
Phone Numbers
One of our first tasks on arriving in Edinburgh was to establish local phone lines on our dual-sim iPhones so that Amanda and I could communicate when apart, use data for navigation, call local numbers, and provide our “mobile” number as a local number.
As the proud owner of a newly-minted UK telephone number, I wanted to rattle off my number like a local. The trouble was, there is absolutely zero rhyme or reason to how Brits express telephone numbers.
Whether you bracket the area code, use dashes, or try to look modern with periods—there is a clear pattern to US telephone numbers: 3-digit area code, then 3-digits followed by 4-digits. Simple. Easy. Predictable.
It’s easy to recite and write down any telephone numbers because there is a normal cadence in their presentation: 3-3-4. Not so in the UK.
My UK number was 07831 806 764. That is how I memorized it and how I gave it to others. As you’ll see below, mine was but one way to present a telephone number. Here is the smorgasbord of available options:
Option 1: All 11 numbers in a row with no spaces.
Confusing and prone to errors.
Option 2: 5 + 6.
The first 5 numbers are a prefix, much like our area code. Here parentheses are placed around that prefix, much like the way we typically put the area code in parentheses in the USA. Makes sense, but as you’ll see, only to some people.
Option 3: 1 + 4 + 6
The first number is always a 0, which sometimes you need to dial and sometimes you don’t (I still have no idea when and why). But here the 0 is the only number in parentheses, so this is a modified “prefix” pattern where the 0 is isolated because it isn’t always needed.
Option 4: 5 + 6
Back to the first pattern but sans parentheses.
Option 5: 5 + 2 + 4 (plus Option 4: 5 + 6)
Even on the same sign, they aren’t consistent (except that we started with 5 numbers I suppose).
Option 6: 5 + 2 + 2 + 2
Option 7: 0 + 6
Sometimes they simply presume, based on location, you’ll know the first 5 numbers. (Unless you live there, how would you know?) Turns out the prefix for Lerwick is frequently 01595 (aka 1595). But a quick search of Lerwick numbers will reveal 07733 is also a Lerwick prefix. So, which prefix should you use? 🙄
Option 8: 4 + 3 + 4
And then, just like that, the 5-digit prefix pattern is out the window (or on the window in this case).
Option 9: 4 + 7
Option 10: 4 + 3 + 4
Like Options 2 & 3, numbers are bracketed at the beginning of the phone number, but by now you should expect that any old bracketing will do. This van was part of the Stranger Things experience.
Option 11: 3 + 4 + 4
Oh screw it, lets just mix it up completely and go with a 3-digit prefix!
Option 12: 4 + 2 + 2 + 2
You won’t need your toes to count here as there are only 10 digits in this number, including the initial 0. So, what the heck is the 11th digit? Magically, ther’re no need…if you Google the number, it comes up with Wernick Hire, with photos of their vans that have this very same number on the side. Yet all the other number phone numbers on their website (and everywhere else for that matter) are 11-digits long! 😜
#🤯 🤯 🤯 🤯
The British are notably a people obsessed with order. In 1946 Hungarian humorist George Mikes said, “An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.”
And so the higgledy-piggledy presentation of British telephone numbers is utterly baffling! Above are at least 11 ways to display telephone numbers, and there are probably more for all I know.
I’d absolutely love it if any British person out there could provide a satisfactory explanation for this phenomenon. If so, feel free to call me at:
07831806764 or
(07831) 806764 or
(0) 7831 806764 or
7831 806764 or
07831 806 764 or
0783 1806764 or
07831 80 67 64 or
0(783) 180 6764 or
078 3180 6764 or
806764.
I’m waiting…
Post
“Vernon Dursley: Fine day, Sunday. In my opinion, best day of the week. Why is that, Dudley?
Harry Potter: Because there’s no post on Sundays?
Vernon Dursley: Right you are, Harry! No post on Sunday. No blasted letters today! No, sir. Not one single bloody letter. Not one! No, sir, not one blasted, miserable… (gets hit with a letter flying out of the fireplace).”
There are around 115,500 pillar, wall, and lamp post boxes across the UK. Some post boxes are rarer than others and some have very special places in English heritage.
Pillar Box
Wall Box
Lamp Box
Royal Mail post boxes are a cherished feature of the British street furniture scene. One thing that makes many boxes unique is that since their Victorian beginnings, post boxes have usually carried the insignia, or cypher, of the monarch reigning at the time of placement. The first letter is the monarch’s name followed by the Latin Rex (King) or Regina (Queen).
These are the cyphers found randomly throughout the UK, and here are some that we saw:
Queen Victoria—Style 1 (I love the unusually ornate top and hexagonal shape)
Queen Victoria—Style 2
Edward VII—Son of Queen Victoria and Albert.
George V—Opted for a simpler font and did not have the letters GR interwoven as his father and grandmother had done.
Edward VIII—With a reign of only 326 days, he was one of the shortest-reigning British monarchs to date (and thus the most difficult cypher to find; I searched but never found one). The great-grandson of Queen Victoria and the eldest child of King George V, Edward infamously abdicated the throne in order to marry American socialite Wallis Simpson.
George VI—Albert became king when his older brother Edward abdicated. He took the regnal name George VI and returned to the more historical presentation for his cypher.
Elizabeth II—The late and longest reigning Queen, and the eldest daughter of George VI.
Scottish Crown—Found on many post boxes in Scotland.
In September 2022, King Charles III revealed his cypher. There were likely no new post boxes installed during the few months we were in country following his coronation, so we were unlikely to have seen any post boxes with this new cypher.
Double pillar box with a sign pointing to the nearest post office. Franking is an in-house, pre-paid postage system.
Pillar box typical of those found inside a grocery store.
Old postage stamp dispenser in wall.
Old pole box converted for fowl mail.
Nonsense
These are my final few funny shots at a country that we feel close enough to and comfortable enough with to give it a hard time.
I start by saying, somethings simply do not translate from the UK to the US market. For example:
Very different connotation when you don’t have the money as a reference.
I think the “sceptic” typo was inadvertent; although, it works in a way. And, talk about anthropomorphizing an inanimate object—it’s like the septic system will have an emotional breakdown if the wrong items are placed into the tank.
Only in England would this sign include tea bags!
By the way, nearly every toilet (don’t refer to them as bathrooms!) in a public building like a restaurant is virtually guaranteed to be up or down a long flight of stairs. There is no such thing as “accommodation” in much of England. Except for this strange example:
Very generous of the establishment I suppose, but were all the images truly necessary?
What really sets this sign apart, however, is its location.
Say what?!
This is a genuine product—hilarious!
Now that’s some Fried-Green-Tomatoes-level stuff right there!
Long before the Crips and Bloods in Los Angeles, and their red and blue colors, there were the OG Cornish and the Devonians—the two English counties famous for cream teas—with their red and white. To this day, the battle rages on: Cornish cream tea will do jam then cream, while Devonians do jam on top of their cream. You must pick a side!
Oh how the British believe this—mind, body, and soul! There was isn’t a book narrative, TV show situation, or movie plot where, at the first hint of trouble, a character won’t immediately head for the kitchen and say, “I’ll put the kettle on.”
Many of our houses had what they referred to as a mortice lock, which was operated by this old-fashioned looking key. It made us feel a little like Hagrid every time we used one.
Eggs—always on the store shelves; never refrigerated.
America is certainly way behind Europe when it comes to food quality, public transportation, contactless payments, and universal health coverage.
However, I can safely report that we are leaps and bounds ahead when it comes to home appliances such as microwaves, stoves, ovens, washing machines, and clothes dryers (for some reason dishwashers were pretty easy to figure out).
It’s more than just the poor quality of their appliances though. The “universal” symbols used on many appliances will absolutely leave you scratching your head.
I wish I had taken more pictures of the symbols used on certain ovens; I simply couldn’t make any sense of them whatsoever. The symbols are often so nonsensical, there are webpages dedicated to their explanation. The oven pictured above isn’t so bad, but it’s still not completely clear.
The oven symbols above are (clockwise): P = Power, 0 = Off, oven light on, oven defrost, pizza/crisp (I think?), grill (top element only), grill plus fan.
The symbols vary widely, so figuring out how to use an oven or microwave often proved rather challenging.
We only had a few ovens with digital temperature settings. This oven actually has 10 degree increment markings, but most didn’t. So baking something at 220℃ can be nothing more than a rough approximation.
Now, don’t even get me started on washing machines! They were the absolute worst!
Virtually every sink in the country still uses split faucets, you know—from back when indoor plumbing was first invented. It’s like the UK was never let in on the invention of single, blended faucets. Your choices are (on the right) cold and (on the left) cold…then momentarily warm…then melt-the-skin-off-your-bones hot. Enjoy!
Lastly, the UK has a serious case of PTSD. Apparently the 1666 Great Fire of London really scared the nation straight. They are utterly consumed with fear of fire, so much so that every damn outlet has its own switch—and God-forbid you leave that switch in the on position if you’re not actively utilizing the appliance connected to that outlet—it may spontaneously combust!
(As an aside: The entire country has apparently never heard of a GFCI outlet. You will never see an outlet in a bathroom—you can’t be trusted!)
But here’s the truly crazy thing: so, so many doors we encountered had locks that required a key be inserted on the inside in order to exit the building. Frequently these locks were installed high on the door, so as you’re crawling along the floor to escape the fire, you’re forced to stand up into the deadly smoke to open the upper lock—that is if you remembered to leave the key in lock.
You’re still not home-free yet. A large number of these very same doors had a lower latch that had to be twisted in order for the door to open. So you needed both hands free to open the door—like synchronizing keys to open a safe (just set the baby down on the floor while you open the door!). It’s the absolutely most unsafe locking system we’ve ever encountered—so much for fire safety!
I’m Safety Steve, and I don’t endorse these blatantly unsafe designs. 😂
